My Resting Place

It's been so long!!!

2012-01-02T00:02:00.000+09:00

10 years ago today, I came to this little island called Singapore.
17 years old, full of dreams, naive and proud young girl :)
It has been 10 years...
fulfilled some of old dreams, found a few new dreams, still a little naive with unchanged Pride, no more young woman ;)

Should I start something new like I did in 2002.
Should I change job?

Should I move to another country?
10 years in this little island is too long.

I don't regret how I spent those years although I didn't accomplished much.
I made mistakes, big ones and bigger ones but I am what I am now from all the things I went through.
I want to thanks all the people I met in this 10 years.
Some still my best friends, some not in contact, some hate my guts :D

I think I changed most when I got to know him. His philosophy to life made me a clam person that I am now.
Thank you Tomo for the strength and path you show me in my depressing days.

Let's work for better 2012 ne...

Resolution ka!!

2011-12-12T12:20:00.001+09:00

New Year is fast approaching.

When I see other people crossing out their last year resolutions, I feel jealous.

I didn't have one for last year or previous years.

I will be 28 coming year and I don't have any goal or dream yet. Am I a loser in life?

So... I will make resolution for 2012.

Very first thing

1) to be able to communicate in Japanese by end of 2012.

2) send my parents on 5 Star Cruise Holiday

3) At least get 1 A in exam

4) get back my ideal weight ie. 52kg

5) take less than 10 days leave

6) go to Japan for concert of a)Tomo b)NEWS c)AAA d)Mr. Children

I hope I can fulfilled at least 4 of those 6.

Jyaaa let's see which I can crossed out in Dec 2012.

7th October 2011

2011-10-07T12:05:00.000+09:00

4 days after my birthday...

Toma's birthday...

The day my dream of watching 6-nin NEWS concert was destroyed...

Tomo and Nishikido left NEWS.

Remaining 4 will carry on as NEWS because they don't want NEWS to disappear.

Why Tomo has to be the one who leave?

I know he has his reasons but still WHY???

I naively thought that I knew him so well. Ha! I didn't know shit...

We will forgive him when he told us his reasons and KYA-ing with starry eyes. *sigh*

I wish 4-nin new NEWS all the best and NEWS fans won't make me scared to check on them.

After all I am traitor's supporter...

Soredemo Daisuki dayo Tomo

Times are flying by...

2011-09-06T15:06:00.006+09:00

When they say time flies, it is only metaphorically.
Time doesn't fly, silly. Time teleport!
It still feels like I met Tomo yesterday. But it already been 4 months and 14 days.
A lot happened between these months.
I went back to my home country after 3 years, passed all my exams and started another semester, doubted Tomo for his sincerity, almost given up on NEWS, lost nice amount of weight.
Of all those thing why did I doubt Tomo????

I knew all along that if I lost my trust in Tomo, my life would be meaningless.
I am not a teenage emo kid who gonna kill herself for an idol.
What I mean is, he said very meaningful things, things you can learn from, things that made you rethink about your life, your action, your goals and your dreams.
If I can't trust him anymore, what will happen to all these I followed.
When someone preaching these values was lying through his teeth, what should I do?
You can say he is just one guy. There are other people who are truthful.
But you don't know Tomo. He practice what he preached. If he truly lied, he was a damn good liar.

I had all those conspiracy theories in my head. Tomo is actually a very cunning guy.
He masked his true self with all those righteous words. When he got tired of all fame he will show his true self.
But after all that trip and photos, I am scared about my theories coming true.
It hurts when the thing you believe in what just a sham. My pride hurts. My brain hurts. My heart hurts.

When you truly love someone, you will forgive their mistakes. Is it really true?
I will continue to love him but I won't forgive.
Yurusanai!!! dakedo aishiteru <3

Dreams do come true

2011-04-27T13:56:00.005+09:00

23rd April 2011

I finally met him in person. Everything passed by in a flash. Everything is still like a dream. He is really handsome and nice just like everyone said.

Arrr I really don't want to write. I feel like my feelings will disappeared after I write down everything. I still can't believe I met him, I went to his concert, I sang Happy Birthday to him. Tears are still flowing when I think about it.

First of all, they had a very fierce thunderstorm starting around 3:30pm. We went there early to collect tickets and buy goods. But we were stuck in the rain. Lots of people came early for goods too. We lined up for concert goods in narrow place. After we got what we wanted, we went out for dinner. We were back just before 7pm and security was very strict for camera. Stage settings were very nice and flags with dragon logo were pretty. I felt like I was in some kind of palace.

When the light dimmed and music start playing, everybody rushed to the railing. I didn't expect that so I was a beat late. Being short and two-bodied layer away from railing, I opt out to watch just standing near the seats. He didn't sing much live. But I didn't really care. He danced with all his might. He spoke very clear and good English. Things went by very fast from here. I am going to kept those memory only in my heart. One thing for sure, we didn't have any eye contact. Not even once, I caught his eyes. I didn't expect I will though I wished so much. When I think about it now, I can't even recall all the songs he sang. I almost cried when he sang Saigo no Love Song. One girl in front of me cried.

開演のアナウンス響いてる
きっと君は来ないだろう
約束した頃は　こんな日が来るなんて
思わなかった僕たち
The curtain call announcement resonates
I’m sure you didn’t come back out
Back when we promised about how we
Didn’t believe this day would come

大切な夢のために頑張っている　君の姿が好きで
「どんな時も僕が応援する」なんて
言ってたくせして　旅立つ君のこと責めた
I loved that figure of yours when you tried your best for the sake of your precious dreams
I said “I’ll support you no matter when”
It was a habit, so I blame you as you set out on a journey

恋なんてしないほうが　幸せな気がした
そんなラブ・ソングに　胸の奥が熱くなる
何回も君と聴いた　その言葉が突き刺さる
ひとりぼっちじゃ　悲しすぎる歌だね…
I think I would have felt happier if I haven’t had fallen in love
That love song makes my heart warmer
Time and time again when I listened with you, the words pierce me
The song is too sad to listen to all alone…

初めて会った日を思い出す
今日と同じコンサート
斜め前の君は　僕と目が合うたび
笑いかけてくれたね
I remember the day when I first met you
It was concert like today's
You were diagonally in front of me and our eyes met
You laughed at me, didn’t you?

叶えたい夢のために遠い街へ　君が行くこと聞いて
「離れてても二人変わらないよ」なんて
誓っていたのに　夢見る君のこと責めた
I heard you went to a far away town in order for your dreams to come true
“Even if we’re apart, we won’t change”
We vowed that but, I blame you for seeing dreams

恋なんてしないほうが　幸せな気がした
そんなラブ・ソングに　身体中が震えてる
どうやって君を忘れ　今日からどう生きてゆく
この先ずっと　こんな歌は聴かない…
I think I would have felt happier if I haven’t had fallen in love
That love song shakes my whole body
How am I going to forget you, how am I going to live from today
From now on, I’m not going to listening to this song…

ほんとはもっと言いたいことや
確かめたかったことがあったのに
今さら遅すぎる　何もかも全部
拍手の波の中　僕だけが飛び出していた　ひとり
Truthfully, there was more that I wanted to say and
Things I wanted to confirm
Now it’s too late, everything and anything
In the sea of applause, only I am leaping out, alone

恋なんてしないほうが　幸せな気がした
そんなことないよと　胸の奥が叫んでる
何回も君と聴いた　ラブ・ソングが遠くなる
ひとりぼっちじゃ　悲しすぎる
それでも僕は　君に会えてよかった・
I think I would have felt happier if I haven’t had fallen in love
My hearts screams that it’s not true
Time and time again when I listened with you, the love song feels distant
Being alone is too sad
Even so, I’m glad that I met you

But every second with him was Heaven. Every air I breathed in have his present. I believe I can talk to him one day. I can touch his hand one day. After all, DREAMS DO COME TRUE.

Tomo, imademo, korekaramo, itsudemo aishiteru kara aimassho ne

Love Song

2011-02-01T18:32:00.002+09:00

I want to shout out loud if possible that I love Tomo with all my heart.
I was wavering so much from younger ones to younger ones.
Now I realized that nobody can replaced Tomo. No matter how young, handsome, talented they are.
Tomo has passion for his work, love for his fans and gratitude to his profession.

I am proud to love him and called him my Idol. He really is an Idol. MY IDOL

Conflicted "I"

2011-01-26T15:15:00.002+09:00

First post of the 2011. woot woot...
Best NEWS of the year goes to "I am meeting Tomo in April". YAYYYYY
Worst NEWS "I failed two subjects last semester". Yayyyy

Back to title, I feel so conflicted between letting go and clinging on.
I really want to let go but if I let go, maybe I might not want to catch it again.
If I don't catch it again, my existence will become meaningless.
But clinging onto it is also extremely tiring.

This problem make me don't want to study. I can't afford to fail any more.
Sometime (almost all the time) I want Tomo's determination. See you in April Darling

Bored and bored

2010-09-07T14:39:00.002+09:00

I feel like doing nothing...
I have to study, work, exercise. I can't seem to have mood to do those.
Having stuffy nose doesn't help either.
It's a relieve that I don't have school today.
I need something exciting to happen in my life.
What should I do? hmmm....
All the slow songs playing from my Ipod is not really helping the mood. *sigh*

I really like this song... SHINee - Last Gift

Was it yesterday when things started going to amiss?
Where did it all go wrong exactly?
My heart can’t let you go…
Is it really the end?

It’s not easy for me like my farewell greeting
My heart won’t become mine to control
I guess I’ll have to make an indefinite decision to forget you
So I can bear with it all

The ring I placed on your finger
Returns to my hand cold (I can’t let you go)
I received my heart back in return
My LAST GIFT
Is this separation…

what I feels like doing now

2010-09-03T13:47:00.003+09:00

First and foremost, I want to sleep now kekeke
I really want to watch my little guys performing...
but I can sense chaos just by a glance.
I think I am too old to join in that fantastic nightmare.

Wow!!! I just want to do only this two things.
I think I had been enlightened.
But I feels good to not have any wants or desires.

I guess that's why I am getting further away from my friends???
They have too many worries that I feel not really important.
And they think that I have everything.
I don't have everything. I just don't want everything.
Not wanting everything aka contentment make your life peaceful and relaxing.

But, but I really want to meet Tomo in person. *heart* sometimes heart is stubbron kekeke

Couples Argh....

2010-07-02T13:42:00.002+09:00

Now I realize that our ancestors were wise.
They left words of wisdom for us. One of those is "Never go between Husband and Wife."
Going between means you don't side with one when they are quarreling *like me*.
I was naive or stupid or whatever, and try to reason with my mom and dad.
I wasn't even finished talking why I thought whichever one of them was right, they were giggling and teasing each others.
Just really argh.... for me. I won't never ever gonna justified when they quarrel again.

Oh btw I move to a new office and I am freaking loving it.......

Hell yeah!!!! One in a Million is damn good. I love it more than MOLA & Loveless. Tomo daisuki

Truely my resting place, this is...

2010-03-12T18:23:00.002+09:00

I am watching some little guys tomorrow.
My first time seeing people I love LIVE.
How I wish I can see him really soon too.

I don't like the things going around THE GROUP...
I get the feeling someone really trying to do harm to the Group.
All the solo activities and solo cons.... hmmmm....
Is JE trying to tell us something? Like if we don't spend more effort on the Group, they are gonna shelf them???
I am going crazy, I know...
It's just that sweden-pair releasing another mini-album making me more nervous.

Even so, there is Joe in Ashita hahaha I know I am lame...

Another Entry; Another Tear

2009-12-18T13:39:00.005+09:00

Today, where we were shooting, it has started to snow
It’s been so long since I’ve seen snow.

When I was still in elementary school, I used to try to catch the snowflakes in my palm and try to make out the different patterns with the naked eye.

I was so serious about that (laughs)

I used to be serious about so many things at that age.

Everything that I saw with my eyes or felt, I would seriously respond to.

Frankly however, now that I have gotten used to this job, I’ve become less serious about many things.

Now, I'm only serious towards things that I really like.

music, dancing, acting

The more I'm sure about the things I like to do,
the more I'm ignorant towards things that I'm not interested in.

Also, because I've experienced it before,
I do not feel touched at alot of things already.

However, today, as I was shooting in a town near Tokyo, there was a child wearing one of my concert T-shirts, as if he was saying “I’m wearing Yamapi’s T-shirt!”. He was smiling at me with a brilliant smile.

Thank you!

It made me really happy!

I guess he must have gone to one of my concerts, and after watching him, I went on a sudden emotional high.

Even though I’ve experienced many things already and my emotions have become less intense, however I’ve realized that in places where I haven’t yet been, there are people who have been supporting me at the sidelines.

At the same time, after experiencing this, I ponder. Where do I stand?

And I still don’t really know.

However, that child that looked genuinely pleased to see me.
So that anyone who watches me from now on will just let out a smile, I want to give these people new touching or really great music and show them what I feel is the best.

I feel like this has been written really messily.
From now on, I’ll try everything!

(translated by pikira)

Amongst the fans of every famous person, we, Pi's fans are the luckiest and most spoiled.
Do you want proof?
He wrote nikki everyday for 6 years. Vol 2261. Freaking 2261 days... AND THAT"S FOR US.
He broke up with his rumored GF cuz she is playing us.
He do Solo concert to thanks us. (even some will argue that's for him. I would say, "You don't know him well. He don't have to do solo con to earn money. Don't have to practice days and nights for all the dance." Got it.)
Whatever he's doing, he worries what we will think about it.
Never lied to us. Even for tiniest things, he will keep quiet if he don't want to say the truth. But NO LIES.
If he see something beautiful, he will remember us first. (Don't think so? Read his 2261 entries!)
He treasure us. Everyone can see that, feel that, notice that. (You still don't? Go to his cons. Watch his cons. See how he interact with the fans?)
Still don't think so? Re-read the above nikki. Can you understand his heart?

I am so glad that I bought a T-shirt for 55$. I might be breaking my rules and out of my principle but am I glad that I bought.
He really is attached to that T-shirt. Well what do you expect, his face is on that. XDDD

Soulmate desu ka...

2009-10-27T14:44:00.002+09:00

I saw one question in web.
Do you believe in soul-mate?
Let me tell you a story.
When first mankind were formed they have two brains, two hearts, two heads like two peoples combined. They are so strong and wise. They can win even gods. The gods scared of mankind strength spliced them into two peoples. Then became human as we are. When two correct halves met, they can overthrow the gods. Unfortunately, there is one person when the gods try to split him, one half has two brains and the other got two hearts. Since that day the half-with-two-brains work hard to win Gods but he couldn't because he is just a half. But his brains make him so proud that he couldn't care to look for his other half. The half-with-two-hearts kept looking for his other half because he couldn't do anything without it but he never found his half because he is too dumb.
End of story...

Which half am I? Shiranai yo

How many times my heart has to break

2009-09-17T10:14:00.003+09:00

It is almost official. He is dating her.
Eventhough I tried to be reasonable, my heart just won't listen.
Kataomoi is always painful. More painful when you are longing for the 'STAR'.
When not just any star but brightest and shiniest star.
The star everyone waiting with their plam open wide to be fall on.
What I wanted is just for that 'STAR' to be shining with all it might over everyone no ni

Do I want the 'STAR' to shine and burn alone for everyone sake?
Of course not! That is the reason I am sufferring now, I think.

Battle of reasons and feelings.
Whichever side wins battle field is always ugly.
It will left damage and dead bodies.
We want more for everything. Never contenting.
We know reasons yet we scream treason.
It gave its all. We search for more.
Now it found its happiness, we realized what we've lost and feeling sad.
So tell me now and tell me true...
Now this fault lies in who...

'STAR' is not wrong. I wish for his happiness. And I will keep on loving forever.
Kono kataomoi ni owaru ga nai no nara
Sore demo ii
Kono kataomoi wo mamotte hoshii
mada nani mo dekinai koi nandesu

Oh My Pi !OMP!

2009-09-09T09:26:00.002+09:00

Can someone die from happiness or cuteness?
Well, I almost did... BB ep9 has such a cute start.
I can't stop grinning after 5 mins into it.
I am scared to watch further. They said depressing and irritating later.
What should I do ne?
Even though I really hate indecisive guys, Naoki's kindness pulled me in.
Two more weeks? I don't want it to finish. Best romance drama of the year or last 5 years.
Thank you, FujiTV, for this incredible summer.

Tomo, kono tanoshii natsu de arigatou!

He's back in the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-28T10:11:00.006+09:00

Yup, you read it right. He is back in the game.
Maybe becuz of that kiss. But def. he is back.
He was in three of four serveys conduct via internet.
AND above 5th position for all. XDDDD I told you, he is back.

Strangely enough, I dreamt of Massu last night.
I wonder why ne...
He was cute nonetheless. And some pouting of his lips too.
Did I like Massu that much in my unconscious mind?

Anyway today is a marvelous day...

Tomo, daisuki da yo

D*mn

2009-08-18T14:19:00.003+09:00

Can my english get any worse?
I told my Boss this morning "Oh I didn't SAW you on the bus"
My Boss just looked at me with his eye wide open.
So shameful that I could die on the spot.
OMG if I recalled again, I felt like dying again.
This is gonna haunt me at least a month.
My English is not good but I should know that much, right?
Who say "I didn't saw you." or "You didn't knew that you weren't supposed to said that?"
Arggggggggg..... Luckily there is no school today. Otherwise I will die, definitely sure...

Tomo... doushite

New life? New death?

2009-08-07T10:04:00.003+09:00

I am gonna be damn busy from next week onward. i.e if I do things I should do.
My new life of student is starting.
I hope my current life of working adult won't die from exhaustion.
Every morning, I am gonna need someone (i prefer Tomo if possible) whispering Dertermination, Perservation to my ears.
I will overcome this 5 years. With Tomo by my side.
Hope I don't piss all of my family and friends off by trying to remain myself sane.

Jya raigettsu ni aimasho ka

Majide???

2009-07-08T14:14:00.002+09:00

I really can't believe my father think something wrong with my head.
What are his reasons???
I broke up with my boyfriend; I don't look for new boyfriend;
I am trying to lose weight; I am learning to speak Japanese;
I like one of Japanese Idol; I am dreaming of marrying him (ok this may BE the main point)...
But seriously Dad. I am not going insane over one break up.
There are a lot of single women in the world.
If all of them are lonely, I don't mind joining them at pub drowning my loneliness
than cleaning up after the kids or waiting for THE man of the house to arrive "drunk".
That I will pass.
I don't mind smiling at other people's kids and buy them ice-cream.
But I DO mind scolding my kids and washing their ice-cream stained shirts.

There is no way I can tell my dad all these. and -120% he will convince I am sane.
WHATEVER....

Tomo, dou shiyou ka

!!!Tomodachi wa Taisetsuna-mono desu!!!

2009-07-02T12:09:00.002+09:00

I just connected back with the cluster of my ex-schoolmates.
Wonder how much they have change. I, myself, change big time.
Firstly, broke up with my boyfriend who everyone thought was my soul mate, other half or whatever.
Next, no guys beside me like it used to be, to many of their surprise.
And, I'm learning Japanese.
And, my whole family is here.
And, I am fat...
I want to see how much all this can surprise them.
Maybe not much not 'cuz these aren't shocking, but mainly 'cuz they don't care about me that much anymore.

I had expected that anyway.
I was the one who came out from their cluster and went away with my ex-bf.
I was naive back then or in romantic way "blindly in love".

Still I am same old romanticist. So I am happy with "my littele Pi&I world".
But I am naive no more. I am gonna treasure all of them truely this time. Maa... that's what he'd like me to do...

Yoku Ganbatta sou na... Otsukaresamadesita

another Hært-brǣk

2009-06-21T02:28:00.002+09:00

Yes... another heart-break... but it will heal with his sweet smiles and repeated words
but right now, my heart is in pieces
because of that holding-hands
because of that bright smiles
because of that happy faces

my life was boring lately but...
I would still choose boredom over this anytime, anywhere, any circumstance
how long will it take this old wounded heart to heal this time
I am not scared cuz I know he will make it healed again...
He will make it jumping with excitement again...
As long as he is with me it will heal over and over again...

iroiro na koto arigatou korekara mo yoroshiku

oooYou are the place my life beginsxxx

2009-05-06T23:40:00.011+09:00

Looking at his photo, a song came to my mind.
Flying without Wings by Westlife. My fav band from my teens.
I still love them. Love their voice. Love the words in the songs.

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
This song, really touch my heart since the first time I heard.

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
But when I found him, I can relate to the song better than ever.

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
I really thought I can find it in my solitary life. I did.
Well not a line, just a word of "Konbachiwa" can make me fly now.

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
I found it in friendship of course. Or more like comrade.
We were not best of friends but we share same heart beat.
He introduced them to me.

So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
I will definitely fight for my dreams. Biggest dreams of meeting him.
Tell him how he changed my life, a few others' lives on his way of his own life.

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
I won't expect this to fulfill. But I can say how much I love you anytime anywhere.

It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
Yes, he is my special thing. Thinking about him alone can make me soar high.

"And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends"

I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

I feel so far from him. I AM far from him but never in my heart.
Right now, I feel like I am very very far away from him.
Is he feeling down? Last time he had some internal struggle, I feel terrible too.
Is he alright?
You must fight on, Dear. Now is the time testing your strength.
I miss him so much. Time is testing my strength too.
But you are my special thing, I'm not gonna let you go.

Ima made, Kore kara, Itsumademo, zutto hanasanai kara... Soba ni itekurete hoshii

"Say it ain't so, Joe"

2009-04-15T11:18:00.002+09:00

Neeeeeee say it ain't so, Joe
He has girlfriend who can join his family and friend only dinner.
I really wish it is not happening.
I pretend as I am reasonable person.
But I am not. I am very sad and shock.
He is 24. He is healthy young man. Besides this is his life.
but all those not helping me at all. I hate reasonable thoughts.
Stay with me till 30, please. Only till 30.
My heart hurt.

Tomo, nande atashi no kokoro wo kirete hito wa anata no...

Special Day <3

2009-04-09T00:31:00.000+09:00

Today is very special day for me.
24 years ago, little boy named Tomohisa arrived to the world. I was 6 months and 6 days old.
I never thought this little boy will become my world 20 years later.
Now he became my everything.
His words gives me hope to carry on with my life when I was walking like a blind man.
He gives me strength through his essays and interviews.
A guy younger than me working so hard made me ashamed of myself.
Made me begin to think about my future.
Made me reevaluate my value in society.
And everything little things like getting up early for work is not troublesome, eating alone in cafeteria is not bother me...
I don't know what I can give back to him for all these...
I will always be grateful to Naomi-mama for giving birth to him.
If only he can know my gratitude <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMOHISA
てんじょび　おめでとう

>>>Feelings<<<

2009-04-07T13:54:00.000+09:00

I hated to look for a job. I really did. I would rather starve to death than that.
Now I found something I hate more. To look for a job for my dad.
All the things are not in his favor.
And when I see my mom hopeful face when receive one or two email which are not even about the jobs, it is the worst.
I know exactly how she felt.
Feeling hopefully this email is asking for interview. and want to be happy but not sure if it is for interview.
Then I tell her flatly "no, this is just some junk mail" in a tone of how come you are so back-dated with IT things.
I feel like I am the worst. People tend to angry when they surpressed their feelings for so long?
Maybe that's what I am. I don't cry. I don't get angry. I don't get friendly. I don't even have emotion at times.

Tomo, tasukete!

\\\Oyakodon to Kimi no suki na toko///

2009-04-06T23:38:00.000+09:00

I had Oyakodon for today lunch. He love Oyakodon so much, so I had to try it.
I say not bad but I won't mention it in every interview if I were him. ^^
There is one song I want to sing to him if he can hear...

"Kimi no suki na toko"

思いが募るほどに直接顔見ては言えない
omoi ga tsunoru hodo ni chokusetsu kao mite wa ienai
君の好きなところなんて数えきれないほどあるのに
kimi no suki na tokoro nante kazoekirenai hodo aru noni

いざ目の前にすると何も言えなくなってしまう
iza me no mae ni suru to nani mo ienaku natte shimau
会えない日に積み重ねた願いも　迷いも　ため息も
aenai hi ni tsumikasaneta negai mo mayoi mo tameiki mo

ほら　今　この気持ち君に言ってみたら
hora ima kono kimochi kimi ni itte mitara
困った顔するかな?　その逆ならいいな
komatta kao suru kana? sono gyaku nara ii na

照れた笑顔　すねた横顔　ぐしゃぐしゃ泣き顔
tereta egao suneta yokogao gushagusha nakigao
長いまつげ　耳のかたち　切りすぎた前髪
nagai matsuge mimi no katachi kirisugita maegami

君の好きなとこなら星の数ほどあるのに
kimi no suki na toko nara hoshi no kazu hodo aru noni
一つも言葉に出来なくて
hitotsu mo kotoba ni dekinakute

恋をすればするほど駆け引きはうまくはなるけど
koi wo sureba suru hodo kakehiki wa umaku wa naru kedo
この胸のムズがゆさにいつもギリギリ手が届かない
kono mune no muzugayusa ni itsumo girigiri te ga todokanai

困った顔　見たくて　いじわる言ってみる
komatta kao mitakute ijiwaru itte miru
ほんとは　全てが　可愛くてしょうがないくせに
honto wa subete ga kawaikute shou ga nai kuse ni

片方だけできるエクボ　朝のかすれた声
katahou dake dekiru EKUBO asa no kasureta koe
唇の色　髪の匂い　抱きしめた温度
kuchibiru no iro kami no nioi dakishimeta ondo

君の好きなとこなら誰よりも知ってるのに
kimi no suki na toko nara dareyorimo shitteru noni
なぜ伝えられないのだろう?
naze tsutaerarenai no darou?

お腹が空くと　機嫌が悪くなって黙りこむ
onaga ga suku to kigen ga waruku natte damarikomu
酔うとすぐ寝るくせに　帰りたくないとすねる
you to sugu neru kuse ni kaeritakunai to suneru

君の嫌なところも　そりゃ少しはあるけれど
kimi no iya na tokoro mo sorya sukoshi wa aru keredo
会えばいつも許してしまう
aeba itsumo yurushite shimau

ホッとした顔　笑ったときに八の字になる眉
hottoshita kao waratta tokini hanoji ninaru mayu
皮肉やなのに　意外と人情ものに弱い
hiniku ya na noni igai to ninjou mono ni yowai

君の好きなとこなら
kimi no suki na toko nara
世界中の誰よりも知ってる僕が嬉しくて
sekaijuu no dare yori mo shitteru bokuga ureshikute

ら今　君が笑うから
hora ima kimi ga warau kara
なぜだろう　言葉に出来なくて
naze darou kotoba ni dekinakute

This feeling in My <3

2009-04-03T23:59:00.000+09:00

The friend I got a few weeks a go?
I think she hate me now. Maybe I really shouldn't said what I think about you, P.
When I thought I found who will share my feelings ne...
That's why I don't want any new friends... I hate to pretend. I hate to compromise. I hate to lose someone.
When there is nothing, I lose nothing...
I love your new single...
I am glad I ordered both editions ^^
Ganbatte... Sekai no NEWS made

nee, Tomo... daisuki...

#@$&#*@&%^$

2009-03-24T10:07:00.000+09:00

Like someone says, I must get this out of me or I will explode.
His group new single is coming out and with DVD this time.
But other 2 units are start selling Album and Concert DVD the same day.
You know what, all are from same Angency. o_O

First other unit released two new single last month and this month.
Second other unit finished their tour almost same time as His group.
AND HIS GROUP RELEASED THEIR LAST ALBUM LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't f*ck with me...
I am so pissed now...
If I know how to I want to swear very bad at JE.

What's more, DVD coming with news single is from DIAMOND.
People are suspecting no Concert DVD this year.
If that happened, you are dead JE... I am not lying...

I will warn you this time only.
I am a very stressed working girl.
My only relaxation is his group and him.
If anyone make their life miserable, YOU feel my wrath to your bones.

Tomo, sore wa anata e no atashi no ai desu...

````No Title''''

2009-03-12T11:42:00.000+09:00

I made a new friend yesterday. How?
Nowadays only something connect to Pi can interest me.
So she is someone who know a lot about him.
She is nice. Friendly. Give me a lot of info of Pi.
I don't know her name yet. I'd like to know but it is not important.
It is good to have someone to talk about your love.
'Cause everybody around me don't take my feeling seriously.

Tomo, thank you for letting me know her.
You always bring me luck and joy. Maybe you ARE my lucky star.
ohhh like always, my post trun out talking to him.
Anyway Tomo daisuki...

----if you have to chose++++

2009-03-07T00:55:00.000+09:00

Today I saw one breath taking photo... of him
I want to see what he was looking...
I want to know what he was thinking...
I want to feel what he was feeling...

'cause he looks so peaceful and beautiful
I am losing my mind and reasons
Does this call LOVE?
If this is not love, I know I won't be in love all my life...
'cause this is my limit... I can't love anyone like this anymore

Tomo, daisuki...

~Atashi no Yuuki wa Anata da~

2009-03-03T14:39:00.000+09:00

On the first of March, Ryo-chan got into car accident.
He is the one caused the accident which injured 60 years old woman in the car in front.
Johnny banned him from driving for 6 months.
How glad I am it was nothing more than that.
And today, someone called me. The same someone who called me on my 24th birthday.
Was I happy? I think I was.
Am I happy? I think I am.
Should I? No, I shouldn't.
Everything should be over now. I shouldn't have any feeling.
I shouldn't feel even sadness.

Ne Tomo, doushite ii no?
Yappari, I want someone to care about me.
Kowai wa. Atashi hitori ja.
Yuuki wo okurete kudasai.

... I am amazed by myself ...

2009-02-25T12:54:00.000+09:00

Untill now everybody said I am so carzy over him...
But I always thought I have a control over myself.
Little did I know is I don't have control at all...
Today at work, fire alarm went off suddenly...
At that moment, only thing I can think of is to check LJ ^^
"I want to know what is the latest news of him before I die", that was what I am thinking.
Tell me and tell me again; I am crazy... beyond redemption... now I finally realise...
By the way, that fire alarm was false alram. Damn...

!Now you know why I love him so much!

2009-02-20T15:16:00.000+09:00

Konbachiwa!

Today I went boxing.

I'm more tired than usual!

Even though I only practised till Round 5 of the "15 minute" set boxing routine
I'm already so tired that I'm nearly out of breath.

Compared to 2,3 years ago, this time is really much more tiring!

It's so frustrating.

I must work harder. (Laugh)

Even though the intention is very simple, I hate to lose therefore I must work hard.

I must practise until at Round 5,
my face does not change colour and still able to do the Hallelujah~ Chance!

And also with this kind of simple intention, that's why I'm able to continue till the 2000th entry, I think.

It's also because all of you are reading my diaries.

Arigato ne

Then there's the staff san who help to take care of my original entries

From time to time, I always could not complete my original entries within the stated time frame

Thanks for not giving up on me all these years!

The reason why those who came to read my diaries is due to the fact that they have come to know about me through the various magazines that I had appeared, the various drama that I had acted in.

From there, it was the first time that you know about my existence, isn't that so.

Therefore, a lot of people are looking at me.

There are doubtful times.

I do not know.

But everyone seems to know about me.

Therefore I want to work even harder.

Taking with me, the thankful feelings towards everyone, working harder.

Those of you who have always been supporting me I would want to look at everyone in the eyes and say from the bottom of my heart

Thank you for your continual support.
Hence, from now onwards, please stay by my side. (Laugh)

I will give my best!
From now onwards, please support xxxx too.

This is his diary entry for 2000th volume. He is someone you can rely on, don't you think so.
Things like that make my love bigger and bigger for him.
How I wish he know.
On other side I think he knows, he knows there are people like me who love him dearly.

No work and No News

2009-02-02T20:57:00.000+09:00

Lately, he is very free.
No work for him yet, I think. (at least no news leak to fandom yet)
I am kind of worry.

What if he got depressed? Feel like his popularity decreasing?
Seems like I am the one got depressed instead ^_^

He is strong. He said that himself and his personality shows it too.

Ja this will be my nikki for today.
I have no topic too. (laugh)

Hello... get a life please

2009-01-16T14:06:00.002+09:00

She is very whiny and annoying...
I love my job and my working environment...
if she don't like it, that is her problem...
she said her parents are rich, her bf is rich, her bro is rich...
dose she still need to work for her school fees if she fine that job miserable...
she keep whining she wants to quit...

Arigatou Ima

2009-01-13T14:57:00.000+09:00

Since morning this song keep playing in my head...
I want to dedicate this to Tomohisa...
Every words represent my thoughts...

NewS - Arigatou Ima

Anata ni deaeta kara
Asa no hikari ga mabushikute
Me wo tojite mo
Kokoro no naka ni sashikonde kuru
Yasashisa ya nukumori wo
Itsu no ma ni ka wasurete ita yo
Ikiru yuuki to kibou wo kurete
Kokoro kara anata arigatou

Anata ni mitsumerarete
Umare kawaru kono inochi arukidasu yo
Atarashii ashita sagashitsuzukete
Kanashimi ya kurushisa ni
Mou makenai yo anata ga ireba
Ikiru yuuki wo oshiete kurete
Kokoro kara anata arigatou

Yasashisa ya nukumori wo
Itsu no ma ni ka wasurete ita yo
Ikiru yuuki to kibou wo kurete
Kokoro kara anata arigatou

"A New Year has come"

2009-01-08T18:13:00.000+09:00

Happy New Year to me...
I has the worst new year eve of my life...
(when I was looking forward to pass the time with everyboy, everybody has their only plan, which didn't include me...
My parents argued just nice on midnight...
My only joy, Pi, I couldn't connect to his show. ohhhh what can be worst)
but I am hoping to pass coming year as the best year so far...
Well, seems like it is gonna be, coz I am getting better at being optimistic...
This year, I won't make plan which include others...
I will find happiness even if I will be alone... And I am really getting better and better...
I will see in 31.12.2009 if I can fulfill my wish...
Akemashite Omedetou minna...

no news of NEWS' Captian

2008-12-05T18:16:00.000+09:00

No nikki today. I hope he is ok.
I am feeling a lot better today. If that means he is feeling better too???
I will see tomorrow. If it is, we are connected by telepath. cool huh!

Update of my mind

2008-12-04T14:31:00.000+09:00

Recently, something is wrong with him. He seems so depress or unhappy or uncertain.
I don't know what make him unhappy but I know that make me unhappy too.
I feel like crying everytime I see his ??sad?? face.
Every night I feel very uneasy and hoping tomorrow he will be alright.
As days go by and he still seems troubled, my mind hitting bottom.
I really did type in his name where I have to type in commend to my PC.
I did a lot of mistake these days. I make more mistakes this few days compare to last few months.
Nobody will believe me if I say all this is because of him.
Why?
Because we don't know each other at all.
He is someone from far away and only chance he can know me is if he happen to read my letters from millions of letters he get everyday.
But I love him more than I know him. Much much more than that...

Ok, that's all for today update of my mind.

In short, my mind is full of him... (^_^)

New 'I' or Damaged 'I'

2008-11-05T13:31:00.000+09:00

I kind of break up with my first and only Bf...
Will I become new I or damaged I???

I am learning another new language, but the stress is high...
Will I become better I or stress-out I???

I look for my peace in Tomohisa-shi...
Will I become peacful I or fanatic I???

I try to look things in new light...
Will I become insightful I or weird I???

I am trying to change my habits...
Will I become perfect I or different I???

After all, who am I???

Can this be love???????????

2008-10-16T00:48:00.000+09:00

Can someone love someone without really knowing???
Can someone break up with his girlfriend for that someone???
Is it love???
Or is it crush???
Or is it lust???

I feel like I am in love...
but in love with invisible guy...
He is everywhere yet he is nowhere...
He is so near to me yet so far away...
He know everything yet he know nothing...
He is everything to me yet he still is everything to me... <3

Anata no koto sukidesu...
Anata wo aishiteru desu...

2007-10-14T11:34:00.001+09:00

Who is he?

2007-09-21T10:35:00.000+09:00

There is someone trying to creep into my heart...
He call my full name which only my father like to call.
He make me laugh even when I am stress out.
Because of him, my staying away from my family is bearable.
Because of him, work is enjoyable.
His jealous face when I speak or help other guys, make my heart gone mad.
His reddened face when colleagues tease us, make me want to hug him tight.
He sang "you are my sunshine" for me.
He asked "want to go out sometime on the weekends?".

But who is he and where is he?
When will he say those things to me?
When can I feel like I am an apple of someone's eye?

Madness

2007-09-14T09:41:00.000+09:00

When everybody is gone, I want to sit down and rest.
I am so tired of life. But I am too afraid to lose it too.
I try very hard to keep it in good shape.
My body seems well but my mind is deteriorating.
I hope this will not become worse.
I pray all my heart out to live in better life.
I am going crazy if this thing continue.
I am getting crazier and crazier.
Please someone make it stop!!!!!!!!!

tOdAy!!!

2007-09-11T13:01:00.000+09:00

Today...
I let someone find me in my secret place.

Today...
I give someone a map to my resting cave.

Today...
I show someone the grave of my broken heart.

Today...
I am free from loneliness.

Today...
I am healed to be hurt again.

Today...
It's a new day
And I am gonna embrace it... ... ...

My Resting Place

2007-08-13T16:01:00.000+09:00

Farewell to one now silenced quite,
Sent out of hearing out of sight,
My friend of friends, whom I shall miss
He is not banished, though, for this-
Nor he, nor sadness, nor delight.

Thought I shall walk with him no more,
A low voice sound upon the shore.
He must not watch my resting place
But who shall draive a mournful face
From the sad winds about my door.

I shall not hear his voice complain
But who shall stop the patient rain?
His tears must not disturb my heart
But who shall change the years, and part
The world from every thought of pain?

He is not banished, for the showers
Yet wake this green warm earth of ours.
How can the summer but be sweet?
I shall not have him at my feet,
And yet my feet are on the flowers.

By Anonymous English Poet

Mulfunctioning...

2007-08-13T15:32:00.000+09:00

I let my eyes close
and it never open up to anything since then!

I let my mouth keep quiet
and it never voice out a thing since then!

I let my brain rest
and it never work again since then!

He made my heart cry
and it never stop since then!